Rogue Jones's Diary
by Kalgoorlie
Summary: A parody of Bridget Jones. Reposted after edits. Remy appears as a main character. No previous knowledge of Bridget Jones required. Includes a marriage of Professor newly-named-Jones and Mystique, turkey curry and Logan in a green wollen reindeer jumper -


OK guys, this is kinda obviously a parody of Bridget Jones's Diary, but I'm making it X-Men. It's set in the movieverse, but I've included Remy and the like. And yes, I *do* know that it's a bit of an absurd idea, but that me for ya. ::smirk:: And I'm sorry about the whole Logan in a reindeer jumper thing, I kinda *had* to do that (damn these bloody plot bunnies) to make it fit in with the rest of the story. Oh, and btw I'm going along with the movie of Bridget Jones- but I've taken elements of the book such as the whole narration idea. OK... I guess that's all I have to say. Oh yeah, it's my first X-Men fic (I write Harry Potter under another name, I just got kinda bored of it and decided I'd start a fresh.. stop talking ok.) so be nice. I'm sorry if my knowledge of the X-Men isn't that great, I just haven't read everything and stuff.  
By the way, I'm British. OK, well actually I'm an Aussie but it's a long story. I apologise for British spelling but you'll just have to put up with it cos I'm not changing how I write just for the sake of a fic. Plus, Bridget Jones was written and set in England, so HA!   
Um, among other notes the parts in italics are Bridget-sorry-Rogue's thoughts, but the rest of the story's written in the third person in the past tense. Just to clear that up, as though you wouldn't realise it as you read it. the *'s show Rogue's pov about her mutation. Oh and also let's just pretend she can control her powers. If she couldn't then alot of this story would be in the bin. ::smirk::

Um... Cast list.

Bridget Jones: Rogue  
Mark Darcy: Logan  
Daniel Cleaver: Remy  
Pam (Bridget's mum) Jones: Mystique (ok, I'm totally sorry about this. But it's one of the ways I could bring Julian in, sans for my original idea of Jean being Pam and Scott being Julian. I really can't imagine Mystique married to Prof X... but it fits with the story. I should shut up now, right?)  
Bridget's dad- um, Mr Jones (does anyone actually know his name?): Prof. Charles Xavier  
Julian/Julio depending on whether you've read the book or seen the film: Erik  
Tom: Bobby (yeah I realise Bobby's not gay but it goes with the story, ok?)  
Sharon/Shazzer: Jubilee  
Jude: Kitty  
Una Alconbury: Jean  
Geoffrey Alconburry: Scott  
Natasha (I *think* that's her name... neway the one who Mark (Logan in this) is semi-going out with during the film- they work together, right?): Ororo

Of course, there are other minor characters but I can't be arsed to write them all down. ::grin::. OK, on with the show- er... fic.

Sunday 1 January. 

_It all started in the 32nd year of my life, and the 32nd year of being single. It was also the 32nd Jean and Scott Alconbury's New Year's Day Turkey Curry Buffet that I'd been forced to go to. Jean and Scott are my parent's best friends._

Rogue had walked up the Alconbury's drive, totally dreading what was to come._ Every year I turn up with no boyfriend and every year my mum tries to hook me up with some middle-aged bachelor. This year was no exception. I was sure it'd be yet another strangely dressed opera freak with bushy hair burgeoning from a side parting._ Rogue had walked in to be greeted by her ever cheerful mother, who took her coat and immediately starting rambling on.  
"Oh Rogue! What _are_ we going to do with you? still single I assume." Jean had paused. "Do you remember Logan Darcy, darling? Malcom and Elaine's son? He's one of these super-dooper-top-notch lawyers. Divorced. Married a Japanese woman, cruel race," she'd added as an afterthought. "Elaine says he works all the time and he's terribly lonely." _I'd known it. I'd just _known_ it!_ "He's here today." Rogue hadn't know why Jean didn't come out with it and say 'Darling, do shag Logan Darcy over the turkey curry won't you? He's _very_ rich.' She'd sighed and tried to get across the fact that she didn't want to be set up with anyone.  
"Mum, I don't want to be set up! I'm perfectly happy being single!" _Lie number one._  
"Nonsense darling! now, what are you going to be wearing?" Well, _that_ certainly wasn't what she had expected.  
"Er.. This." she'd stated.  
"No no no!!" Jean had given her a quick push up the stairs. "I've laid out something lovely on your bed for the evening!" _Shit._

Walking into the lounge room, Rogue had tugged at the edges of the horrendous outfit that consisted of a knee length red/orange skirt, and a frilly top made from the same patterned material, covered by a horrible orange waistcoat. _Great,_ she thought. _I was wearing a **carpet.**_  
Rogue had smiled nervously, silently wishing that she would never see any of these people in her life again. Which she probably would, knowing her luck.  
"Rogue!" _Oh no. Scott Alconbury, who I am forced to call Uncle though he is no relation to me whatsoever._ Scott had wooped up, and given her a hug.  
"Hi Uncle Scott." Rogue had said grudgingly and distortedly, as her head was being pressed against his chest.  
"Let's get you a drink shall we!" Rogue had walked over to the drinks table as he followed, all the time his hand on her butt.  
He had walked behind the table and started pouring me some kind of alcohol- Rogue hadn't cared what the hell it was, she need alcohol there and then. "So Rogue..." he'd started, about to ask the question that all singletons hate and fear. "How's your love life?"  
Having never been able to lie convincingly, Rogue had mumbled "Fine" and downed the drink he had handed her. she'd given back the glass and he poured her another one.  
"Still single then!" He'd roared, blatantly showing his drunkenness.  
Rogue had been rescued by my dad.  
Steering her away from the table, he had led her into the corner. Words could not express her gratitude.  
"I see your mother's trying to set you up with someone again."  
"God yeah... It's so bloody annoying!"  
"I wish I could stop her doing this, sweetheart, but you know your mother..."  
"Yeah, I do." Rogue had tried to take the cigarette her father was smoking. He'd pointed to the corner and stated,  
"Logan Darcy or something. Look out, darling, although he is a lawyer or whatever, he's renouned as one of the greated fighters in the world. Completely unknown, but still, to those who know him..."  
"Really?" Rogue had said, intrigued. Maybe this man wasn't so bad after all. Rogue finally succeded in snatching the cigarette and took a drag.  
Suddenly Mystique was on to her like a hawk.  
"Rogue, darling!" She had given Rogue a brief hug and pulled away, to get a look at her. "You look wonderful!" She'd seen Rogue three days ago, and Rogue didn't know why she was choosing to make the display of 'motherly' love she was making _now_. "I hope you're well dear."  
"Yes, fine thanks." Rogue had said. Jean had briskly walked up to them both and said  
"Now, come meet Logan Darcy, dear." She had taken Rogue by the hand and Rogue struggled to take control of her powers. *I have powers. I'm a mutant- just like the rest of my family- but I can't understand why I'm not telepathic. Both mum and dad are- but dad's waaaaaay more powerful than mum. But anyway, I suck the life out of people. Fucking shit, but I live with it. I learnt to control my powers a few months ago- I guess this is my explanation for being single for 32 years.* Jean had lead Rogue over to a Logan. He had been standing with this back to the room, looking at the book shelves. It struck Rogue as pretty stupid to be called Mr Darcy and stand around looking snooty at a party. It's like being called Heathcliff and insisting on spending the entire evening in the garden, shouting 'Cathy' and banging your head against a tree.  
_**Wow!** I'd thought at the time. you see, Logan Darcy was tall (a/n: this is the movieverse Logan here- Hugh Jackman, 6ft 3, bloody gorgeous?) and muscely, with dark hair in a peculiar style- kinda spiked on either side. It was hard to describe it. But just from the back, **wow** was exactly the right exclamation. 'Maybe this time mum's got it right' I remember thinking._  
Logan turned round, and Rpgue had looked up to see his face. _My GOD he was abso-fucking-lutely gorgeous._ He had coarse dark hair, and piercing hazel eyes filled with a stern type of anger. Rogue travelled from him eyes to his nose, to his lips. She had had to coness, she did linger for a while on these. Her eyes continued their journey down to his neck, his torso... and stopped. Rogue had found herself staring at Rudolf the Red-Nosed-Reindeer.

Logan Darcy, proclaimed best fighter in the world, respected lawyer, was wearing a wollen green jupmer with Rudolph on it. _Shit._ Rogue's view of Logan Darcy had changed, somewhat.

"Soooo..." she had said, uncertainly.  
"So." he replied, his answer brief and cut off.  
"Mystique, I think that the gravy needs seiving..." Jean had said to Mystique.  
"Oh, don't be silly, just _stir_ it!" Mystique said, intent on watching Logan and Rogue's first encounter. Jean gave Mystique a 'look', and most likely said something in her head to, because she shuffled off briskly. "Yes, gravy... I'll leave you two now."  
"Are you staying with your parents?" Rogue inquired, trying to make conversation.  
"Yes." Logan had simply stated. "You?" Rogue began to get the impresson that Logan didn't talk much. She tried to make out the fact that she'd been busy and had an avid social life, instead of getting completely pissed the preceeding night: New years Eve.  
"Oh no, I've just come up from London. Yes, been at many parties you know. Gotta get back for one actually. I just wish I could be stuck with my head down a toilet like all _normal_ people!" she laughed, overdoing the impresson slightly.  
"Indeed."  
"Yes, New Years revelation, stop talking to complete strangers!" Rogue had forced a laugh, and poked Logan in the chest, which she noticed was incredibly well built up. "And stop drinking, and smoking..." She had looked down at her glass. "Whoops!" she laughed.  
"Yes, well. Excuse me." Logan had walked off, not caring about the fact that he hadn't properly dismissed himself. Rogue had stood, looking dejected, until her mother declared the turkey curry cooked and ready to eat. She had caught a snatch of conversation from Logan and a woman who looked nothing like him.  
"Mother," he began, not caring that he was about to point out certain faults that were found in him just as much as Rogue. "I am not going to go out with someone who drinks like a fish, smokes like a chimney and dresses like her mother!" he'd finished heatedly, until he had looked in the direction his mother was looking in. Rogue stared back, her ego shattered.  
"Mmm, turkey curry... my _favourite_!" she said with fake enthusiasm. He had simply stared at her.

_**That** was the moment. The moment that told me I had to make a change in my life..._

tbc...

Well, there ya go. I hope you all like it, but I won't unless I get reviews. Reviews and feedback are very very much appreciated, either fill in that little box below or drop me an email at shannraa@hotmail.com  
Toodle pip!


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